It’s a unique monster; sometimes stealth, creeping up attacking slowly, leaving its victims mystified as to what happened but with an overwhelming sense something isn’t right.  It can also be a tyrant, attacking its prey with vicious force leaving them disabled with paralyzing emotions.   It doesn’t discriminate.  Everyone has it, but rarely do we outright acknowledge its existence. Arguably it is easier to recognize its destruction of others and more difficult to distinguish it within ourselves.  However, the beast is able to be tamed, and when disciplined is an asset.

 Everyone one lives with an ego!   I’m still trying to understand and tame mine.  In my late 30’s I woke up one day asking myself, “Who am I?  Is this really what life is about?”  For me it was a philosophical question not based on any one frustration.  I have an amazing life, yet existentially I questioned my relevance.  For years I worked hard to build my career, make contacts; be the perfect son, uncle, and friend.  My goal was success-even though I’m not even sure I knew the true meaning of it.  The merry-go-round of life was fast and thrilling and I wanted nothing more than to grab the ring and win the prize.  Yet when I held the ring in my hands, the satisfaction was short lived. There was always another one replacing it, or someone else grabbed it before I could.  I guess in my late 30’s I was tired of the merry-go-round.  Somehow it was ingrained in me that success was always reaching for more.  The cost was exhaustion, envy, feeling numb, questioning my relevance.

 Like a wild mustang, my ego is hard to tame.  As I write this I hear it say, “You can’t put this out there for the world to read.” I am ignoring it!

The last few years I’ve been presented the same lesson numerous times and although I haven’t learned it entirely I do feel I’m getting closer.  Here it is:  Pure, 100% joy comes from within me.  From the things I love to do.  The people I want to be with.  Not from the merry-go-round and the shiny rings.  Low days exist to remind me that I still have choices; high days exist to remind me that I can rebound. 

I am relevant, but not by anyone’s standard other than my own! So I am armed, everyday, with a lasso ready to tame the wild stallion which still sees the shiny rings and wants one.  I just try to hold keep it in check!

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